WHOA!

it has been a lifetime since ive posted! im so sorry blog i will never neglect you like this again. so not cool.

anyways. so i was out of town for a week and lets just say it was this great road to self discovery. i came back feeling like a whole new person and i hope it lasts.

eating anxiety? (GONE)
amish people give a whole new meaning to life. they live lives of no vanity and theyre simple and happy. we picked up a kitten from the amish and we named her shima. when i get my camera battery in the mail ill have to take pictures and post them. shes so adorable and sweet.

when we got home b was in a fit. we didnt tell him about the cat (oops?) and he basically made us feel unwelcome in our own home. it was BULLSHIT. but its whatever he can suck my non existant cock.

i read two really good chick books over the week and im addicted to reading now. i mean seriously. its so great.

now im working on a chalk pastel drawing. theyre so messy!

okay sooo tyler. we are over. done. it was really sad at first but no i feel really full of like power. he so wants me. bahaa.

thats my wrap

antid's

has been terrible. ive been on my period for almost two weeks (sorry tmi) and ive been yelled at and put down. i have modeling in two hours and i do not want to go. i bought some clothes at target and i feel terribly guilty about it. after we bought them my mom made this sarcastic financial joke that made me cry. i feel BAD. and then we got into this whole thing about how i treat andy like crap. exscuse me? hes treated me like absolute shit my whole life. he never appreciates me. just because my life is the exact opposite of his (he has none) doesnt mean i should feel bad about mine and feel totally sorry for him. but i do. its like hes mentally retarted. he has some personality disorder with lots of ADHD in the mix. its really hard to deal with. he always makes up stuff and hes always saying things to make himself feel better that are lies. he stays in his room most of the time. hes anti social. 

im going out of town with a friend and i feel GUILTY about it. my mom said it really should be andy whose going out of town and i was like MOM! im sorry that Andy has no life and that im jumping on oppurtunities faster. am i supposed to feel bad about it now? BULLSHIT. now shes forcing antid's down my throat because she thinks i need to get back on them because bc isnt working. i really am depressed again. i hate the sublimonal pressures from life that are forced upon me every single day. to be thin gorgeous perfect in every way. i cant do it. 

i get awfully bored lately. im trying to come up with things to do to keep myself occupied. like read draw do lists research interesting things. so far my day is shot. tyler wants to hang out after modeling but i doubt ill have the energy too. 

i really am sad. and i hope i dont gain weight because of it. yesterday at dinner sd said that humans are grazers or should be like cows and such. but we do a three meal a day thing because its a civilized tradition. well guess what. grazing is better for you and im a grazer now. 

thats my sad sad wrap. 

so youve heard my weight issue ramblings. Well yesterday i ate greaters. Ive been working out everyday and its exhausting. I just want to love my body. I do but i dont want to get bigger than i am. If i do, Ill be dissappointed. 

Tylers bein a sweetheart. I think were going to work things out. 

sd took us out to eat last night at the country club. It was really nice. After that him and bro went golfing. i drove the golf cart. it was actually pretty enjoyable. 

anyways i need to find something productive to do with my time starting now. 

lovesss

-beth

self esteeem

i hate this. the ideal body now a days i don't even see. people aren't really stick thin and toned. they're thick and flabby. im having such self esteem issues and its so gay. this girl in my dance class is absolutely gorgeous and she's bigger than me. today i saw a girl at the pool who was so tiny and i just want to look like her. ive thought of every weight loss/toning possibility. seriously all of this makes me so insecure. i just want to go eat cereal or an oreo or something but i wont let myself. sorry im rambling but my mind is on over drive. shit. 

a new start

today i have dance but i ran anyway! i did the dance arm movements with three pound weights and i ate normally. im so glad im done with this whole eating thing. its really stressful. 

now im just focusing on exercise. my friend was telling me today how shes going to diet. all my friends say theyll diet and they never successfully do it. its kinda sad. idk im the smallest of my friends and i think they pick on me because theyre jealous. i mean lets be real right?

i really hope we can adopt the cat! i called this morning and no one answered and im about to cal again. btw i think that sd is going to bring me his mac powerbook and im hyped about that too. yayay! what else is on my mind... 

oh yeah. tyler. 

so tyler came over yesterday and was being really sweet. i think he is really going to make a difference this time. i sort of see it more. he's becoming very sweetly attentive and i mean what girl doesnt love being attended to lol. i hope it keeps up. 

anyways good day so far. 

thats my wrap 

ps--->more later im sure 

YAYAY!

okay so i took some advice from a fellow blogger and i realized how right he was! i need to focus on EXERCISE. it makes you confident, releases endorphins, and it helps you feel good about your body because you'll be looking good. i just need to watch my cravings. its okay for me to eat when im hungry but when im not its still okay to snack as long as its healthy. im so excited. i wrote in on my calender an excercise regimen and everything. here it goes.

-dance practice mon, wed, thur for 2 hours (yeah im on a dance team)

-sun, tue,friday, saturday do one lap around the neighborhood main drive

-everyday-4 reps of 25 crunches 

same numerical order for 

leg ups

and arm excercises

note to self: buy 10 pound medicine ball and check out the gyms yoga and pilates schedule. ha and get a mat. 

so excited. 

hypocrite

Wow today I sound like an image obsessed pig. I just ate my weight in food. Pasta carrots salad and brownies with strawberries and frozen yogurt. YUM. But i probably just put on a couple pounds. I don't remember the last time I ate that much and felt completely full. Its weird.  I think about food so much because I don't want to eat too much but then i end up eating more. Its ridiculous and totally not a good tactic. I hate being image/body obsessed but ever since I got into modeling, I  compare myself to people on the street and I say "If I want to be good at what I do I need to look better than EVERYONE else". Then i end up obsessed and disappointed for all the wrong reasons. I mean I just want to love my body and everything about it no matter how many curves i have. I'm usually a very accepting person, but how can i be accepting of other people when i can't except myself?